Agile is a Cult, Not a Methodology

Agile is a cult. It’s not a methodology—it’s a religious movement that brainwashes developers into believing that meetings and ceremonies are more important than writing code.

The Agile Manifesto: The Original Sin

What They Claim

  • “Individuals and interactions over processes and tools”
  • “Working software over comprehensive documentation”
  • “Customer collaboration over contract negotiation”
  • “Responding to change over following a plan”

What They Actually Do

  • Processes and tools: Jira, Confluence, Slack, Zoom
  • Comprehensive documentation: User stories, acceptance criteria, retrospectives
  • Contract negotiation: Sprint planning, story points, velocity
  • Following a plan: Roadmaps, epics, features, sprints

The Agile Manifesto is a lie. They do the opposite of what they preach.

The Scrum Ceremony Cult

Daily Standups: The Daily Waste

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# This is what daily standups actually are
"Yesterday I worked on the login feature."
"Today I'll continue working on the login feature."
"I'm blocked by the database migration."

This is not a meeting—this is a waste of time.

Sprint Planning: The Planning Theater

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# This is what sprint planning actually is
Sprint 23:
  - Story 1: "As a user, I want to login" (8 points)
  - Story 2: "As a user, I want to logout" (5 points)
  - Story 3: "As a user, I want to see my profile" (13 points)
  - Story 4: "As a user, I want to edit my profile" (21 points)
  - Story 5: "As a user, I want to delete my account" (34 points)

Story points are made-up numbers that mean nothing.

Retrospectives: The Blame Game

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# This is what retrospectives actually are
"What went well: We delivered all stories."
"What went wrong: The database was slow."
"What to improve: We need better testing."
"Action items: We'll write more tests next sprint."

This is not improvement—this is theater.

The Story Point Scam

The Promise

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# Story points measure complexity
Story: "User can login"
Points: 8
Complexity: Medium

The Reality

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# Story points measure nothing
Story: "User can login"
Points: 8 (because it's medium)
Story: "User can logout"
Points: 5 (because it's small)
Story: "User can see profile"
Points: 13 (because it's large)

Story points are arbitrary numbers that mean nothing.

The Velocity Lie

The Promise

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# Velocity predicts delivery
Sprint 1: 40 points
Sprint 2: 45 points
Sprint 3: 42 points
Average: 42.3 points per sprint

The Reality

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# Velocity is meaningless
Sprint 1: 40 points (8 stories)
Sprint 2: 45 points (6 stories)
Sprint 3: 42 points (10 stories)
Average: 42.3 points per sprint

Velocity doesn’t predict anything because story points are meaningless.

The User Story Theater

The Promise

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# User stories describe requirements
As a user
I want to login
So that I can access my account

The Reality

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# User stories are meaningless
As a user
I want to login
So that I can access my account

Acceptance Criteria:
- User can enter username
- User can enter password
- User can click login button
- User sees error if credentials are wrong
- User sees success if credentials are correct

This is not a requirement—this is obvious functionality.

The Sprint Commitment Scam

The Promise

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# Sprint commitment ensures delivery
"We commit to delivering 40 story points this sprint."

The Reality

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# Sprint commitment means nothing
"We commit to delivering 40 story points this sprint."
# Sprint ends
"We delivered 35 story points because we had unexpected work."
# Next sprint
"We commit to delivering 40 story points this sprint."

Sprint commitments are meaningless because they’re never kept.

The Retrospective Theater

The Promise

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# Retrospectives improve the process
"What went well: We delivered all stories."
"What went wrong: The database was slow."
"What to improve: We need better testing."

The Reality

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# Retrospectives change nothing
"What went well: We delivered all stories."
"What went wrong: The database was slow."
"What to improve: We need better testing."
# Next sprint
"What went well: We delivered all stories."
"What went wrong: The database was slow."
"What to improve: We need better testing."

Retrospectives are theater. Nothing ever changes.

The Real Problem: The Agile Industrial Complex

The Consultants

  • Certified Scrum Masters: $2,000 for a 2-day course
  • Agile Coaches: $500/hour to tell you what you already know
  • Transformation Consultants: $1M to make your company “Agile”

Agile is a business model, not a methodology.

The Tools

  • Jira: $10/user/month for project management
  • Confluence: $5/user/month for documentation
  • Slack: $8/user/month for communication
  • Zoom: $15/user/month for meetings

Agile tools cost more than the development team.

The Alternative: Just Write Code

What You Actually Need

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# Simple, effective development
# 1. Write code
git checkout -b feature/login
vim login.py
git commit -m "Add login functionality"

# 2. Test code
python test_login.py

# 3. Deploy code
git push origin feature/login
# Code is deployed automatically

Simple, fast, effective, and actually works.

The Bottom Line

Agile is a cult because it:

  1. Wastes time: Meetings instead of coding
  2. Creates theater: Ceremonies that accomplish nothing
  3. Uses meaningless metrics: Story points and velocity
  4. Requires expensive tools: Jira, Confluence, Slack
  5. Hires expensive consultants: Certified Scrum Masters
  6. Changes nothing: Retrospectives that don’t improve anything

Stop using Agile. Just write code.

Your development will be faster, simpler, and more effective.